Learning to lay it down

I feel like it has been so long since I’ve jumped on here. I’m glad to have some time today to sit back and reflect on God’s grace and mercy from the past few weeks. I know that I have so much to share I’m just not sure how to say any of it. Have you ever been that way? I’m not mad, not depressed, not frustrated…just quiet. I think this is where I am learning what God means when he says in Psalms 46, Be still and know that I am God. Sometimes when we refuse the stillness, he simply removes the words. I am hoping that today I will be able to find the words to share and glorify all He is doing.

This Saturday, May 26^th, my Papa went home to be with the LORD, just 3 days short of his 72 Birthday!!! I use exclamation marks because as most of you know this would not have been the case just a few weeks ago. Yes, he met Jesus somewhere in the middle of the night, in the middle of his suffering and pain…I can’t wait to one day know how that came to be. Thank you to everyone who prayed for his salvation, what a blessing to know that he is home.

I’ve been in this really strange place lately and haven’t been able to pull myself out of it. I’ve struggled with setting healthy boundaries and on the flip side I’ve struggled with the ones that I feel God has torn down. I’m realizing that for the past few months I have been burdened with things that I should have laid at his feet long ago. Twice this week I have come across this verse and I know it was for a reason, after seeing it again I have received it as confirmation over so many things. Isaiah 44:24, This is what the LORD says, your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb: I am the LORD, who has made all things, who alone stretched out the heavens, who spread out the earth by myself. Anyone else need to hear that today? I have struggled and worried over so many things and when I wasn’t worrying about them I convinced myself I was not equipped to proceed further with them. The problem is I was focusing on me, not Him. All along God has been waiting for me to turn to him and lay it at his feet. I love the part of the verse that says “by myself”. Sometimes I just need to be reminded that he doesn’t need my help in the ways that I typically offer it. My part is to bend the knee and lay it at his feet, which for me at times is easier said than done. You know he wants to grab me by my ears sometimes and say, “release it! Let it go, you are only making this more miserable on yourself (well let’s be honest…on all of us)l I can handle it…by myself!!!” (By the way have you ever read any articles on writing with exclamation marks? Don’t, I did and I feel like an idiot every time I use them, especially when I group them!!!!!!!!…grin).

Every time I think about my life right now overwhelmed is what I use to describe it. I’m not sure if I am in a place where I am taking all the things that I hear, read and know and applying them personally or if this is just part of the work that God has called me to do. All I know is that it is hard to deal with such tragedy and grief for others when you are going through your own grief yourself. I say every bit of this out of love and compassion for everyone and every situation that I am praying for but I believe if we are not careful it can become a stronghold of worry and fear in our own life. What I want to point out is that our commitment and devotion to seeking out the will of God is what makes every bit of being part of the sorrow and suffering worthwhile. God uses it to sift us and to inspire us so we become stronger and are more equipped to discern the moments when we need to lay it at His feet. We just need to be sure we are covering and tending to our own life and situations in prayer too. Do you know why this is so real for me? Because each and every day God blesses me with encouragement, obedience and sometimes just a good ole dose of tough love (when I am willing to receive it). If I allow it he always comes through, yes even when the answers are no, and then when I am open to the change the blessings are poured out and my soul is quenched again.  

Some may disagree with what I am about to say but my relationship with Jesus has always been one that I seem to be begging for more of. I constantly ask for more clarity and direction. I daily ask for him to speak to me and equip me with the discernment and wisdom to understand his power in my spirit and to cleanse me of the ways of my flesh. I want to know Him and understand Him in a way that against all odds I will stand a proclaim Him as my savior and to know that my devotion to Him in this life is one that has purpose. I simply want to know Him and love Him more.

The gift that I want to give to my family and my children and the ones that God allows me to serve with is this. Psalm 103:17-18 “But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children— with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.” What greater gift then to be able to stand by the ones you love and the ones you serve than to plant a seed that from everlasting to everlasting God will tend to and make grow. It is turning into the most beautiful thing that I have ever been allowed to be a part of. I just want to know that I’m not doing this alone and even though at times I may feel secluded God has blessed me with a group of women (family and friends) that let me know they pray for me. It is truly life changing. Just in case you are feeling alone I want to offer that up for you. If you have anything that you need prayer over please comment on the blog or e-mail me kristy.watts53@yahoo.com and I will do just that. I would like to close with a few prayer requests myself, don’t feel obligated but if God lays it on your heart I assure you it won’t be wasted.

1.      Pray for my family for healing and comfort over losing my Papa, Gene Clare

2.      Pray for my 16 year old brother who is in Tx Children’s dealing with blood on his brain (from boxing with a friend). He is doing really good now but we are praying that they do not have to go in and drain it. He is the one who just lost his mother (my step-mom Mona Pennington) last August. This has not been easy to deal with without her for my dad and brother.

3.      I have a serious case of writer’s block, so please pray for me to have discernment over this. I need clarity if this is a closed door from God or just something to work through.

4.      I am co-leading a bible study with Theresa Donlon (she lost her daughter in the terrible car accident this February). It is a study on hope after loss. It is becoming larger than either one of us expected and we just need to be covered in prayer along with everyone who attends. It starts on Tuesday June 12^th from 7-9 for 9 weeks.

Thank you!!!

Ephesians 1:17-23, I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. ¹⁸ I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints,¹⁹ and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength,²⁰ which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, ²¹ far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. ²² And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, ²³ which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

For your splendor

Back in March I was sitting with my small group in Bible Study, when I felt this overwhelming urge to have them pray for my Papa, Gene Clare. I explained to them that he was not a believer and has always thought that we were naïve to believe that Jesus was the Son of God. I told them that we were about to head up to his place to bring back our camper for the summer. Little did we know how blessed we were to have spent the Fall and Winter up at his place soaking up the outdoors and making sweet memories with him. I told them how God had put it on my heart to print out every post I have made on this blog and give it to him. You see we have never really had the chance to fully share the love of Christ with him. He would always shut us down, give his 2 cents and not want to talk about it anymore. That day we prayed that the Holy Spirit would flow through those words and the scripture that he would read would stir something within him.

When that day came I handed him the folder just before we left. He opened it up and said, “Thanks for the religious stuff, I’m sure I’ll enjoy it.” (With only a small amount of sarcasm.) For the next few weeks I prayed that something from this would resonate within him, I felt such an urgency for him to know Jesus and wanted so badly for this to be what did it.

During the first week in April I talked to him about our annual trip to Round Top to go Antique shopping. We shop there every October and April and for some reason I could not make this trip work out. I was so bummed because this was such an important thing between us and for the past 4 years I can’t ever remember missing one. He was unusually ok with us not going this time, but I could tell it bothered him too. I was a little nervous that he was upset over what I had given him the few weeks prior and I really wanted the chance to see if one on one he would say anything. Little did I know what we would face in the weeks to come.

In between all of this he had called me one night and asked me to look up the symptoms of Kidney Stones, I tried to get him to let me come take him to the doctor but he said he was fine and would call if he needed anything. A week or two later he called my Aunt and asked her to come bring him some medicine, that the pain was too intense for him to handle. This is a man who has taken serious pride over not stepping foot into a doctors office since 1964. I think we were all really nervous and unsure what to expect. That was nothing compared to what happened to my aunt when she arrived to pick him up. He walked out of the house told her he had shot his chickens and that he was coming home with her. Let me just say this would be like me shooting my dog or a man back in the day shooting his horse. We knew then that it was serious and that he knew he wasn’t coming back.

The next time that I saw him was April 17^th, sitting in an ER many miles from his home. The doctor had just come in a delivered the news that he had Pancreatic cancer and that it had spread to his liver and spleen. They wanted to admit him but he refused treatment and wanted to go back to her house.

As we rode this horrible wave of emotions I began to remember how God had put it on my heart so strongly the past year for him to know Jesus. I looked up at him and asked him if he had read what I had given him. He said, “Yes I did honey, I read every bit of it. Then I sat it by the firewood to burn.” I knew at that point he wasn’t impressed. Oh, you want to hear the funny part about the chickens? I had not heard what had happened to them. That day I left the hospital to pick up my kids from school and came straight home. Will wasn't able to make it to the hospital so he went to my moms to visit with everyone. While he was over there I sent him a text and told him that we needed to go the next day and get his chickens and keep them here. I knew Papa would be worried about them and my kids loved tending to them so it would be perfect...He never respnded to my text. WHen he got home he had the strangest look on his face, I asked him if he got my message about them and he looked at me a while and then broke the news. I was so devastated...poor Will!

A few days later I went to visit with him; I tried to be so careful about how to approach this and prayed that the reality of dying would help. He told me that he was glad that we believed what we did and that he was fine. He said that he really didn’t believe in Heaven and that non of it mattered anyway, once your dead, you are dead. I knew that my Aunt and mom had already been having these conversations with him so he was already on guard and ready to fire, he was quick to shut me down and made it clear he did not want to hear it.

A few minutes later my husband came over and Papa jumped up and asked Will to take him for a ride. He said, “I know the girls are worried about my soul but I’m really ok”. Will said, “Well Gene what is your take on Jesus Christ?” He said, “Well, I think he was probably a good man and a good teacher but you could probably hold a gun to my head and I wouldn’t tell you that he is the Son of God.” When they were finished with their drive my Papa came in and told my aunt, “Well…Will believes like you all do.” He wanted so badly for someone to tell him that he was right.

That Sunday our Pastor issued a two week challenge. He asked us each to commit to praying for someone every day to come to know Jesus. He also asked us to pray for the opportunity to be able to share the Gospel with them personally. It was obvious to me who my person was. So I sent out an e-mail to my small group and several other family and friends within the church. I thought this is going to take way more than me, so I put together an army (and so did the rest of my family). At the end of those two weeks I sat in service that Sunday morning so discouraged. I wanted to be one of those that stood up in front of the whole congregation and share a true miracle from God. I went home that night and prayed, I asked God, “What else can I do?” I was so afraid that he was going to die and go to hell…how do you cope with that? I sat down that night and wrote him a long letter. I told him how much he meant to me and the kids and how much we loved him. I explained how I was a lot like him in my practical thinking and how I understood the history of God way before I could grasp the spiritual part of Jesus. I felt that it was truly spirit lead and was at peace sending it to him. I told Jesus, here is water…turn it into wine.

The next few days were awful. He was so sick and couldn’t stop throwing up. We knew that if Hospice wasn’t called in that he wouldn’t make it and he would have no part of them coming in. That Wednesday afternoon I sent out another e-mail updating everyone, when I crawled into bed that night so sad and exhausted I told God, “We have planted a garden…now Jesus you have to bring the rain.” All night I would wake up and pray for rain. Sometimes the thought of his suffering was more than I could take and I would beg God to take him, and then I would panic and tell him that if this suffering would bring him to know you then it was ok. Over and over I just simply prayed for rain.

Somewhere in the middle of the night God must have opened the flood gates and let the rain pour out. That morning I received a phone call from my mom and she was crying. I was so afraid that he had died and when I was able to ask what was wrong she simply said, “He knows Jesus.” That morning my aunt went into his room and told him that she was calling in Hospice, before she left she told him, “I love you daddy…and so does Jesus.” He said, “I know, I’ve been talking to Him.” You can only imagine the surprise in that. They sat and talked for a minute and she was able to confirm that he knew he was going to heaven.

Now some of you may read this and think, yeah…that’s great. We have heard time and time again that people get saved on their death bed out of fear etc. No! What you don’t understand is that this was a man adamant about what he believed in or I should say in what he did not believe in. Do you understand that this means Jesus actually revealed himself to him? This wasn’t just a glimpse or a thought that Papa had, and it most certainly wasn’t something that he prayed for. No we prayed, a whole army prayed and God listened. Jesus is real…He is so real.

I can’t help but want to know how it happened. What were those first moments like when he experienced the realness of the one thing that he had been so certain didn’t exist?  How amazing! How beautiful! How awesome is He.

I just wanted to share and give encouragement over this. Our pastor asked me if I would be willing to share this story yesterday during service. Even though I was nervous and afraid of being emotional I thought, how could I not give God the glory?

This my friend is what it is all about. Living this thing out. Serving where He leads us to serve and by all means not giving up in praying for people, even if that person is yourself. I want so badly to hear from you. I know that this is just a small window that God has given me to share the love of Christ through. So I ask you this question. What is yours?

I jumped on a blog the other day (lproof.org) and the writer put the words of one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard. It is called For Your Splendor by Christy Nockels. Here are the lyrics but please find it and listen to it.

“I’m so concerned with what I look like from the outside.

Will I blossom into what You hope I’ll be.

Yet You’re so patient just to help me see.

The blooms come from a deeper seed that You planted in me.

Sometimes it’s hard to grow when everybody’s watching.

To have your heart pruned by the one who knows best.

And though I’m bare and cold, I know my season’s coming.

And I’ll spring up in Your endless faithfulness.

With my roots deep in You, I’ll grow the branch that bears the fruit.

And though I’m small, I’ll still be standing in the storm.

‘Cause I am planted by the river by Your streams of living water.

And I’ll grow up strong and beautiful, all for Your splendor, Lord.

So with my arms stretched out, I’m swaying to Your heartbeat.

I’m growing with the sound of Your voice calling.

You’re bringing out the beauty that You have put in me.

For Your joy and for Your glory falling.”